Nonsense: The negative perception of BDSM in the bedroom

Don’t let the acronym intimidate you. BDSM, widely stigmatized in films, books, media, and pornography, often portrayed as abusive and inflicted on unwilling participants, is not the sort of kinky practice that violently endangers individuals when practiced within a caring relationship and attentively enjoyed. The acronym BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. These terms definitely raise the eyebrows of many, however, in practice, these terms are often very different than how they are perceived. The practice of tying up a partner in any way is an act of bondage; the act of following directions is an act of discipline. Being swatted with a crop (or anything) lightly on the ass (or anywhere else, for that matter) can also be considered an act of sadism and masochism.

In the mainstream media, terms like these are often interpreted in the harshest possible form and, for the uneducated, do not normally elicit images of lightly slapping crops on a moaning woman’s (or man’s) skin, or tying a partner up with silk stockings. The terms for BDSM practices vary and are utilized in different ways. As in the “vanilla” world, every relationship is different: Those practicing BDSM have their own unique desires and relationship styles. One thing is absolutely essential for a couple to have a successful and pleasurable BDSM experience with one another: Absolute mutual consent and desire for the experience.

BDSM terminology: What does BDSM really mean?

An overview of BDSM terminology includes D/s, for dominance and submission, B&D, for bondage and discipline, and S&M for sadomasochism. The small “s” in D/s is usually intended to symbolize the desire of the submissive to submit, allowing themselves to be perceived as “smaller” than their dominant partner. Among safe, sane, and consensual BDSM practitioners, it is widely understood that there is no one “right” way to practice BDSM. While some circles of the BDSM community may practice similar rules and styles, there are plenty of partners who do not get involved in their local BDSM community or dungeon and prefer to keep their practice and relationships private.

Interested in trying BDSM?

It can be a nerve-wracking business for those interested in trying any BDSM practice to introduce it to their partner, for fear of being perceived in a negative way or as a deviant. This is a valid concern considering how BDSM is typically perceived by the public in general. A common suggestion among experienced practitioners is to not approach a partner with terms like the above, but instead to make gradual and comfortable introductions to build on. Communication and openness is also crucial. For example, one interested in experiencing nipple clamps could begin with asking their partner for light pinching with the fingers, and over a series of encounters, request a gradual increase in pressure, all the while being open and attentive to their partners comfort level with the activity. Those interested in trying erotic spanking with their partner should begin with an open, honest, and kind approach, expressing interest and sweetly asking permission in a passionate moment to try a few swats lightly. Warming up the gluteal area with light spanking can be exciting and arousing for both involved. Light play can graduate into more intense practices, like crops, caning, or whips, depending on your curiosity level.

Safe, sane, and consensual BDSM

Whips may sound extreme to some, but there are plenty of practitioners who enjoy the eroticism of receiving sensual and erotic stimulation from the sting of a whip. As with any tool, however, it is absolutely essential to understand how to use it before unleashing gleeful strokes on an eager partner and severely harming them. While there is a danger of physically harming someone, there is equal opportunity for emotional harm. One partner may thoroughly enjoy dirty talk that others may perceive as degrading (terms like whore, slut, etc.). Another partner may strongly desire what is called “aftercare” immediately following a “scene” or experience, and if that tenderness and attentiveness are not provided, there can be emotional ramifications and wounds. The key to understanding what any partner wants or is comfortable within any relationship, BDSM practice or no, all lie within the same word: communication. It is entirely possible to have a passionate, fun, and erotic experience within a relationship, however, if needs, dislikes, and desires are not crisply and clearly expressed before any activities take place of the BDSM nature, it can be like playing a game of relationship roulette.

For further information on how to safely practice BDSM activities, have a look at SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and/or get in touch with your local BDSM community to seek out advice from experienced and trustworthy practitioners. Your local community is usually easily found online and located within your nearest prominent city.

There is a daring allure in the word “ fetishes.” Closets filled with shoes, or men obsessed with women’s feet are common representations. The dictionary definition of the word tends to portray it as a negative concept. “Abnormal” is a word used to define fetish, and oftentimes latex clothing comes to mind for many at the mention of it as well. The “true” definition of a fetish is one’s inability to experience sexual gratification without the presence of an object they find particularly critical to their sexual experience. In fact, the word comes from the French term fetiche, meaning “to make,” and was originally used to describe an object with supernatural power. However, in today’s society, the term fetish is used far more generally and covers a broad range of interests and desires.

The idea that “true” fetishes are actually psychologically abnormal is derived from the medical definition of a fetish: When an individual must experience sexual pleasure only through the presence of a particular thing, inanimate or otherwise, this can interfere with relationships or disturb day-to-day function. While that may be, the broader and more general use of the term to describe an interest, in particular, sexual activities is the more common use.

The psychology behind them is as complex as the psychology behind any individual’s sexual interests. Human beings are unique individuals. What causes one person to prefer potatoes and another to despise Swiss cheese? One could endlessly discuss the possibilities and probabilities. Jane may enjoy being tied up while Lisa enjoys foreplay involving nipple clamps. Neither of them necessarily require those things to experience sexual gratification, but they enjoy engaging in the activities, nonetheless.

Fetishes are often experienced through depersonalization.

Fetishism is often experienced through depersonalization with latex bodysuits, corsetry, the simplicity of preferring a particular position during sex, blindfolds, whips, crops, paddles, being tied up or tying up someone else, reverence or “worship” of a specific area of the body, and countless others. If one can dream it, someone somewhere likely has a fetish for it. It is interesting that many men of the Victorian era are said to have developed foot fetishes as a result of the strict head-to-toe attire of women at the time. This very claim asserts that a concept can become sexualized all the more if it is kept away or hidden from view like a secret. This lends an intriguing psychological perspective on all fetishes and the endless possibilities of their origins.

Many with fetishes either do not know or do not care about where their particular interests originated for them. Perhaps an awkward introduction to a crop against their skin prompted an eventual desire for the sting of a whip or flogger. Childhood games may have been the catalyst for an adult with a rope fetish. Many consider their sexual activities to be a “journey,” traveling toward a sort of enlightenment and further knowledge about themselves. Whatever the perspective, fetishism is arguably widely misunderstood.

As in the case of an individual who wishes to submit and be dominated but does not wish to sexually interact with anyone: Someone who wishes to be of service or submit in other ways. It has been stated by psychologists that sexuality and sexual activity are at least ninety percent mental, therefore, the objective of a submissive person could be to fulfill a sexual need that is mental but doesn’t necessarily need to be physical.

The physicality of fetishism is often communicated in a social way at adult events like “fetish balls” and BDSM clubs. These events are quite popular among many fetishists. If ever planning to attend one, go with a companion, as putting safety first is always wise. Events like these often include “play” areas, where those interested in exploring their own fetishes can experience them in a theoretically safe and enjoyable environment. As a rule, sex doesn’t usually take place at these events because the focus is on the fetishes themselves and not sexual intercourse.

Exploring the unknown can be intimidating, but getting to know one’s own sexual interests/fetishes can be empowering, uplifting, and exciting. In a light-hearted, safe, and enjoyable environment, exploring one’s own fetishes need not carry a stigma of shame.